So an update on my mother: a few months back my mother expressed interest in getting into a program to get her life back on track. After giving her the number of a place close to me I didn't hear from her for about two months. The last few weeks we have talked on the phone a few times. During the conversations, however, we never talked about her getting treatment. This evening though she brought it up. Oh did she bring it up.
I got a message from her on Facebook. She was writing to tell me that she had sent a friend request to my sister. Now my mother and sister have never met. My mother gave my sister up when my sister was a month old. I didn't meet my sister until she was about 20. At the time I told my mother to let my sister make the first move towards communication. My sister spent her childhood not knowing she was adopted. When I met her she was still struggling to understand. I am very protective of my siblings so I really didn't want my mother upsetting my sister. However, I never wanted to stand in the way of them meeting or talking. In my mother's message to me on Facebook she pretty much of accuses me of trying to keep her from my sister.
My mother then goes on to tell me that I should accept her for who she is and not have stipulations about treatment programs. She went on to say that she gave us up so we could have better lives and that she saved us from hell. She demanded respect because she gave birth to us and loves unconditionally, unlike her children. She brought up how bad her childhood was and that because of her bad childhood she is the way she is. Long story short, she believes everything that happened isn't her fault and she is a good mom.
I haven't replied to her message yet and I don't think I will. I get the feeling she was either drunk, high or some combination of both when she wrote me the message. I have told my mother many times that I have forgiven her and that I love her so very much in spite of the way she lives. How many times must I tell her this?? I could try to explain to her that the reason for wanting her to go to treatment is for my own safety and the safety of my family. When she is using she is a monster. Maybe if she wasn't a violent drinker I wouldn't be too concerned about a rehab program. I don't know how to explain all this to her. I wish I could talk to her face to face so she could see the love I have for her. I wish I could hug her and hold her close so she can feel my love. But I can't do those things until she is clean. I'm really at a loss as to how to continue a relationship with her. Part of me wants to just stop talking to her. But another part of me can't let her go. Maybe she is my addiction...
