Can't sleep. Both my husband and daughter fell asleep about an hour and a half ago. I am completely wired. As much as I want to sleep I can't get my mother off my mind. We started communicating via text messaging the other day. It started out innocent enough, just small talk about the weather and what we have been up to. She apologized for her actions a few months ago and I went ahead and forgave her. This is a dance we do every other year: she gets mad at herself but takes it out on me, doesn't talk to me for months and then reaches out to me looking for forgiveness. I admit that I forgive her too easily but she is my mother and I can't stop from wanting her in my life. Which brings me to why I am not sleeping...
While talking to her today she expressed that she wanted out of the life she was living. That she was tired of it. She explained that she wasn't drinking as much or using drugs like she used to. She admitted that she was a bad parent and that she will live with that knowlege everyday. I told her that we(her family) still loved her and just wanted her to overcome her addiction. That she could still be a part of our lives. I reassured her that we all wanted her to come home. She seemed surprised that I included her mother in this statement. My mother and my grandmother have a strained relationship. My grandmother has expressed on numerous occasions that she wishes she could have done something to prevent my mother from succumbing to addiction. My grandmother suffers from her own addiction but not in the same ways as my mother. During my conversation with my mother she tried to pull my grandmother's problems into it but I chose to ignore her attempts. We were talking about her, not my grandmother. I asked my mother if she would go to treatment if I found a place here in my hometown. She didn't say yes or no but asked what kind of treatment. I honestly didn't have any idea where we would be able to send her so I said I would do some research. I was able to find a treatment center that would work with my mother on a financial plan. They offer a sliding scale depending on your income and also offer the chance to apply for grants to cover treatment.
Finding a treatment center that would work with my mother was the easy part. Now I need to figure out where she would live until a residential bed opened up. I will not let my mother live with me. I have to protect my family and she is so unpredictable. I know no one else in the family can or will take her in. I put in a call to a friend at the Salvation Army to see what low income housing was available. I'm still waiting to talk to her but I know she will have some good ideas. She was friends with my mother when they were in school and remembers me when I was a baby. Hopefully she can help me out with the housing situation. I could always take my mother to a shelter but they only allow one month stays and who knows how long it will take for a resident bed to open up.
Getting my mother here won't be a problem either. My husband and I are getting our taxes soon and will be able to cover the bus ticket. My brother even said he could chip in.
With all these things sort of falling into place I still find myself detached from the whole thing. I feel as if I am helping a friend of a friend. It's hard to describe being so happy about something yet so fearful of it at the same time. I called my brother and got some input from him. After all he has as much say in whether she is welcome or not. He was able to give me some good insight. He supports the decision to try to help our mother but also feels the same detachment I do. The idea of our mother being so close is alien to us. On Valentine's Day it will be 15 years since she gave us up. It's been almost 12 years since we have laid eyes on her. My brother and I both agree that boundries and rules need to be set up. While she is our mother she has never really acted like it. We don't want to put ourselves in a situation where are hopes are high and then they are dashed. That has happened to us one too many times. I never want to see the pain in my brother's eyes because we gave our mother another chance and she blew it. We both agree that only time will tell if she is serious. My husband also supports us in this. He knows how much it would mean to me to have my mother clean and sober but he too is cautious. He has never met my mother but has heard enough from me.
I also need to talk to my family, my grandparents and my adopted parents. They have a right to know what is going on. I feel bad that they might be reading about it here. *If you are just know I do plan on talking to you in person to expalin in greater detail.* I know my family will be just as cautious if not more so than my brother and I. My mother has done a lot of damage that won't be easily repaired but getting help for her addiction is a step in the right direction. I hope my family will get behind me on this. The more people my mother has in her support system the greater her chances will be. I don't think my mother realizes how many people she will have to help her and support her emotionally through this. I know many people in recovery who would be more than happy to help.
I have yet to tell my mother all of this. I don't want to offer this to her until all the details are hammered out. I want to have a firm list of boundries and rules for our relationship established. I'm going to stress that this opprotunity should only be taken if she is serious and wants to change her life. If she is coming up here just so she can be near us but continue her lifestyle I won't be able to have a relationship with her. I don't want my daughter exposed to the way my mother lives.
My head is such a mess right now. Hopefully I can get to sleep soon and wake up with a fresh perspective. Maybe the confusion will be gone.
Taya
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