Spare the Rod...??

My daughter is at the age where she gets into everything. No matter how many times I tell her not to climb the back of the chair or to stay off the table she just keeps doing it. I know this is normal for children her age. She just wants to explore the world and push as many buttons as she can while doing it. However, this stage in her life opens the door to something I never really thought about as a parent: discipline. How the heck do I, the child of an addict, dicipline my child without falling prey to abuse or coddling?

My mother never practiced discipline with her children. We just kind of had to know how to behave or we got beaten. I can't ever recall a time when I did something "wrong" and was disciplined for it. I have numerous memories of making a simple mistake and suffering harshly for it. One such time is what I like to call the Sour Cream Mix-up. My mother was making dinner and discovered we had no sour cream. We lived up the street from a major grocery store so I was sent to go get sour cream. My mother told me to be quick about it or else. So I hopped on my bike and coasted down the hill as quick as I could. I ran into the store and went straight to the dairy aisle. Once there I reached for the first tub of sour cream I could find. I must have been in a real hurry because I didn't check the price like normal but I went ahead and paid for it. I hurried home thinking that my mother would be happy I went so fast and maybe tonight would be a good one. I got home and put the sour cream in the fridge while my mother was in her room. She came out, went to the fridge and asked where the sour cream was. I told her it was in there, right on the top shelf. I never saw her coming. She started screaming at me and pulling my hair to get me off the couch. I kept asking what was wrong but all she kept screaming was I was an idiot that didn't know how to read. I finally got a good look at the sour cream container and my heart sank. I didn't buy sour cream, I bought cottage cheese. I don't remember how long the screaming and hitting went but I do remember begging her to let me go back to the store to get the sour cream. She wouldn't let me and kept telling me that I ruined dinner. I never made that mistake again. Even to this day when buying sour cream I double check it.

Things like this were the norm at our house. My mother would ask me to do something without fully explaining what she wanted and I would get in trouble for not getting it right. I stood up to my mother only one time in my whole childhood because of a situation like this one. I remember screaming at her that I wasn't a mind reader and she should explain herself better. After that little outburst my mother tried to get me to hit her. Kept telling me if I was big enough to back talk her I was big enough to throw a swing. I never did but often wondered what would have happened if I had knocked her on her ass.

I want to be different with my daughter. I don't want her to ever feel like she can't ask me questions about the things I ask of her. I want to be clear on what sort of behavior is acceptable and what is not. But I don't want to control her. Children need to be free to explore but need their parents to let them safely explore. And I don't want to be one of those parents who is afraid to discipline their child. If my daughter deliberately disobeys either myself or her father she will be punished. If that means time out or a spanking I am not sure yet. I would like to say that I will never spank my child but I know that sometimes it is the only way to get a child's attention. I will never hit my daughter out of anger or use my own insecurities against her. Being a first time mother is never easy and I am finding my way. And surprisingly my mother is helping, by showing me what not to do.