What a crazy April I have been having. School, work and family have been taking up most of my time. While none of this is out of the ordinary April has brought us some obstacles that I never saw coming.
It all started when my daughter got pink eye. The pink eye cleared up with drops and we thought that would be the end of it. Man were we wrong. A few days after her eyes cleared she started coughing. Nothing serious at first but it was enough to concern me. Took her to the doctor and he told us she had a cold. Not even 24 hours later her cough was worse and she had a temperature of 103. My husband and I took her to the ER where they told us again that she only had a cold. While my mother's instinct told me something more was wrong I went ahead and took the doctor's word. Two days later my daughter still has a fever and can't stop coughing. All she wanted to do was snuggle with me or her daddy. She wasn't herself at all. I took her back to the doctor and they found that she had a double ear infection. I also asked the doctor to test her for RSV which came back positive. RSV can lead to pneumonia and other lung issues. I was told that all she needed was antibiotics for the ear infection. So we went home and started our medication regiment. After two more days she wasn't getting any better so it was back to the doctor. I was at my wit's end. I told my husband that the doctor better do more for her because I would freak out on someone if they told me she was fine. Thankfully the doctor took one look at her and knew that something more serious was wrong. He tested her oxygen level and it was at 83. Normally your oxygen levels are in the high 90s and if they dip down below 94 you are put in the hospital. The doctor sent us to the hospital where my baby stayed for two nights. Those two nights were the worse of my life. While I was grateful that my daughter was getting all the help and care she needed I was terrified that something else might happen or that she wouldn't recover.
Thankfully my daughter pounced back fast and we were able to take her home. We had to do a few days of breathing treatments at home but she is in perfect health now. I hope I never have to take my daughter to the hospital again. It broke my heart to see her with an IV and oxygen tubing. She was so miserable the whole time we were there. I have never been more thankful that my daughter is generally in good health and doesn't normally get sick.
The whole ordeal with the hospital made me think about my mother. I mostly wondered how could a mother walk away from her children. My husband and I took turns going home and showering while our daughter was ill. If I didn't have my husband though I would never have left the hospital. It kills me to leave my daughter so I can go to school or work. What if she gets hurt while I'm gone?? Or what if she does something new and I miss it?? I cannot understand how my mother was able to trust someone she didn't know to raise her kids. Thankfully my brother and I didn't have any major health problems. My brother did break his arm once but he didn't spend any time in the hospital. My mother missed my prom and graduation. She didn't wipe my tears the first time my heart was broken or when the kids at school were mean. My mother missed and continues to miss everything. She hasn't met my husband or my daughter. Both of her children are married and starting their adult lives. I cannot grasp how my mother could miss so much.
I understand that addiction is all consuming and that in the deepest parts of addiction you don't care about anyone or anything other than your drug of choice. What baffles me though is why someone wouldn't want to get better for the sake of her children. My mother has expressed on numerous occasions that she wishes she hadn't missed as much as she did. But if she really felt that way why did she continue to miss important milestones?? Why did she continue in her addiction??
I have no answers to these questions. What I do know is that I will there for my daughter when she needs me. If that means she needs a cheerleader, a protector or any of the other many things that a mother is I will be there. I can't even imagine not putting my daughter first. Maybe instead of focusing on the fact that my mother wasn't there for me I should focus on what that taught me. I learned how much it hurt to not have my mother there and I will never cause my daughter that type of pain.
Taya
Friday, April 26, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I Am Crystal Meth by Alicia VanDavis
I saw this poem floating around Facebook and thought it was eerily beautiful.
Hello.
You may or may not know me.
I destroy homes.
I tear families apart,
I’ll take your children and that is just the start.
I’m more precious the diamonds, more valued then gold.
The sorrows I bring are a sight to behold.
If you need me I’m easily found
I’m all around you in every city and every town.
I live with the rich I live with the poor.
I live down the street even next door.
I’m made in a lab just not the kind you think,
I can be made under thekitchen sink .
I can be made in the closet or in the woods.
If this doesn’t scare you to death it certainly should.
I have many names but one you’d know best
My name is Crystal meth.
My powers are awesome just try me and see.
Try me twice and your soul will belong to me.
Once I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie
You’ll do what it takes just to get high.
The crimes you’ll commit for the high and fame
Will be worth millions once I get in your veins.
You’ll lie to your mom and steal from you dad,
When you see their tears you won’t even be sad.
You’ll forget your morals and how you were raised,
Once I teach you my worthless ways.
I’ll take your friends, your control, your pride,
But I’ll always be with you right by your side.
You’ll give up your friends, your family, your home,
When you run out you’ll be all alone.
I’ll take and I’ll take till there’s nothing to give,
And when I’m through you’ll be lucky to live.
You can try me for fun but I’m no game.
Giving the chance I’ll drive you insane.
I’ll give you nightmares while you lie sweating in bed.
I’ll be the evil voices inside you head.
You shouldn’t have tried me how many times were you told?
But you challenged my powers how could you have been so bold?
You couldn’t say no, and just walked away.
If you could do it all over again what would you say?
I’ll be you master you’ll be my slave.
Don’t fear being lonely I’ll walk with you to your grave.
I’ll show you morepain then your deepest betrayal
So come take my hand as I lead you to HELL.
Written by Alicia VanDavis
Hello.
You may or may not know me.
I destroy homes.
I tear families apart,
I’ll take your children and that is just the start.
I’m more precious the diamonds, more valued then gold.
The sorrows I bring are a sight to behold.
If you need me I’m easily found
I’m all around you in every city and every town.
I live with the rich I live with the poor.
I live down the street even next door.
I’m made in a lab just not the kind you think,
I can be made under the
I can be made in the closet or in the woods.
If this doesn’t scare you to death it certainly should.
I have many names but one you’d know best
My name is Crystal meth.
My powers are awesome just try me and see.
Try me twice and your soul will belong to me.
Once I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie
You’ll do what it takes just to get high.
The crimes you’ll commit for the high and fame
Will be worth millions once I get in your veins.
You’ll lie to your mom and steal from you dad,
When you see their tears you won’t even be sad.
You’ll forget your morals and how you were raised,
Once I teach you my worthless ways.
I’ll take your friends, your control, your pride,
But I’ll always be with you right by your side.
You’ll give up your friends, your family, your home,
When you run out you’ll be all alone.
I’ll take and I’ll take till there’s nothing to give,
And when I’m through you’ll be lucky to live.
You can try me for fun but I’m no game.
Giving the chance I’ll drive you insane.
I’ll give you nightmares while you lie sweating in bed.
I’ll be the evil voices inside you head.
You shouldn’t have tried me how many times were you told?
But you challenged my powers how could you have been so bold?
You couldn’t say no, and just walked away.
If you could do it all over again what would you say?
I’ll be you master you’ll be my slave.
Don’t fear being lonely I’ll walk with you to your grave.
I’ll show you more
So come take my hand as I lead you to HELL.
Written by Alicia VanDavis
Homework?? What's that??
Finished another day at school. Still really enthusiastic about furthering my education and future career. Having my husband support me in this really helps. Actually I have a lot of people who are really supporting. My maternal grandmother has been proud of everything I have done. She is proud of anything I do as long as it betters my life. I am the first female to graduate from high school and to have her first child at 25. My adopted family has always encouraged me to continue my education. I work with some amazing people who have been supportive and have even help with school supplies. The support has been overwhelming.
I can't help but wonder why my mother rejected her support system. I know that even though my mother and grandmother have had a strained relationship, my grandmother would have been there for her. My grandmother and grandfather, who is my mother's stepfather, have supported my mother, brother and myself more than once. My mother had a built in support system and she rejected it. Something she taught to her children.
My mother has a weird philosophy on life. She wants to do everything on her own, yet she depends on others to take care of her. She is all about respect and putting blood family first, yet treats her mother like crap and has not seen her children in about 13 years. She likes to pretend that she had an awful childhood and tells her friends this. I had a conversation with an ex-boyfriend of hers that mentioned how rough my mother had it as a child. I told him that my mother was spoiled by her father and got whatever her heart desired. She never went without anything. It baffles me that she would portray herself this way. Then again maybe she is ashamed that she had every opportunity in life to be someone great and she turned into an addict.
I was taught from a young age nothing is more important than my family. And by family, according to my mother, that means my brother and my mother. She taught me to trust no one outside of our little trio. While my mother has had many friends over the years these were just people that she could get something from. As soon as they were no longer useful she moved on. I fell into that same sort of habit. Only for me I moved on as soon as it felt like they were getting to close. As I got older I learned that it is ok to be open to people as long as you trust them. I still feel a strong pull towards my brother. If I had my way I'd still be barking orders at him like he was five. When we were living with my mother nothing was more important to me than his well being. That's why I never really went to school. I was too worried about what would happen if he was left alone with our mother. She never really cared that I quit going to school. In her mind just translated into having a built in maid and babysitter. When I did go to school she never helped me get ready and never helped with homework. She hated going to parent's nights. She felt to out of place. I always wanted her to go so I could show off how cool my mother was for not looking like other moms. More than once I wanted to try out for a part in a school play but didn't because I knew that I wouldn't be there for the play. There were so many things I wanted to do but knew I couldn't because I didn't have my mother's support.
When my brother and I were adopted all that changed. Suddenly we had two parents that wanted, no, more like expected us to do well. It wasn't that they expected us to do well because that was how it is. They wanted us to do well because they knew we could. They expected me to do my homework and would check it every night to make sure it was done. I struggled with homework up until I graduated high school. I hated doing it. Another factor was I was taught that homework wasn't important. Not only did my adopted parents expect us to do well in school they encouraged us to get involved in sports, choir, drama and youth group. When I didn't make the school basketball team my 8th grade year, my adopted dad signed me up to play with the YMCA team for my age and even coached my team that year. Both of my adopted parents went to every game and choir concert. Sometimes my dad would miss a game due to work or my mom couldn't make it for some reason but I had at least one of them in the stands cheering for me. As I progressed through high school I dropped sports and got more interested in theatre. I can't act to save my life but I enjoyed working backstage. My parents came to some of the plays I worked on but I know that if I had even a minor role on stage they would have been there every night.
Looking back I am so grateful for my adopted parents and their encouragement. When I was a teenager I hated it. School wasn't important to me and I didn't really care for most of my extra curricular activities. They were just an excuse to get out of the house. My main goal was to turn 18, move out and start my life. I didn't want to go to college or anything like that. While my parents were disappointed they supported my decision. They may not have liked the life I was living but they supported my choice to live it. Over the years I have learned that it's ok to lean on others for support every now and then. It is a wonderful feeling to know that if I ever need help or just someone to talk to I have my parents. Even more than that now I have my husband and his family. I have my amazing bosses at work. I just have been blessed with amazing people who want to see me succeed. So instead of shunning them I am going to embrace my support system. I hope I make them proud.
Taya
I can't help but wonder why my mother rejected her support system. I know that even though my mother and grandmother have had a strained relationship, my grandmother would have been there for her. My grandmother and grandfather, who is my mother's stepfather, have supported my mother, brother and myself more than once. My mother had a built in support system and she rejected it. Something she taught to her children.
My mother has a weird philosophy on life. She wants to do everything on her own, yet she depends on others to take care of her. She is all about respect and putting blood family first, yet treats her mother like crap and has not seen her children in about 13 years. She likes to pretend that she had an awful childhood and tells her friends this. I had a conversation with an ex-boyfriend of hers that mentioned how rough my mother had it as a child. I told him that my mother was spoiled by her father and got whatever her heart desired. She never went without anything. It baffles me that she would portray herself this way. Then again maybe she is ashamed that she had every opportunity in life to be someone great and she turned into an addict.
I was taught from a young age nothing is more important than my family. And by family, according to my mother, that means my brother and my mother. She taught me to trust no one outside of our little trio. While my mother has had many friends over the years these were just people that she could get something from. As soon as they were no longer useful she moved on. I fell into that same sort of habit. Only for me I moved on as soon as it felt like they were getting to close. As I got older I learned that it is ok to be open to people as long as you trust them. I still feel a strong pull towards my brother. If I had my way I'd still be barking orders at him like he was five. When we were living with my mother nothing was more important to me than his well being. That's why I never really went to school. I was too worried about what would happen if he was left alone with our mother. She never really cared that I quit going to school. In her mind just translated into having a built in maid and babysitter. When I did go to school she never helped me get ready and never helped with homework. She hated going to parent's nights. She felt to out of place. I always wanted her to go so I could show off how cool my mother was for not looking like other moms. More than once I wanted to try out for a part in a school play but didn't because I knew that I wouldn't be there for the play. There were so many things I wanted to do but knew I couldn't because I didn't have my mother's support.
When my brother and I were adopted all that changed. Suddenly we had two parents that wanted, no, more like expected us to do well. It wasn't that they expected us to do well because that was how it is. They wanted us to do well because they knew we could. They expected me to do my homework and would check it every night to make sure it was done. I struggled with homework up until I graduated high school. I hated doing it. Another factor was I was taught that homework wasn't important. Not only did my adopted parents expect us to do well in school they encouraged us to get involved in sports, choir, drama and youth group. When I didn't make the school basketball team my 8th grade year, my adopted dad signed me up to play with the YMCA team for my age and even coached my team that year. Both of my adopted parents went to every game and choir concert. Sometimes my dad would miss a game due to work or my mom couldn't make it for some reason but I had at least one of them in the stands cheering for me. As I progressed through high school I dropped sports and got more interested in theatre. I can't act to save my life but I enjoyed working backstage. My parents came to some of the plays I worked on but I know that if I had even a minor role on stage they would have been there every night.
Looking back I am so grateful for my adopted parents and their encouragement. When I was a teenager I hated it. School wasn't important to me and I didn't really care for most of my extra curricular activities. They were just an excuse to get out of the house. My main goal was to turn 18, move out and start my life. I didn't want to go to college or anything like that. While my parents were disappointed they supported my decision. They may not have liked the life I was living but they supported my choice to live it. Over the years I have learned that it's ok to lean on others for support every now and then. It is a wonderful feeling to know that if I ever need help or just someone to talk to I have my parents. Even more than that now I have my husband and his family. I have my amazing bosses at work. I just have been blessed with amazing people who want to see me succeed. So instead of shunning them I am going to embrace my support system. I hope I make them proud.
Taya
Sunday, April 7, 2013
School or Skool??
While living with my mother I learned how to scrape by with the least amount of effort. I never wanted to set my goals or standards to high. I kept this up for most of my life. Who did it hurt if I only got C's in school? Sure I was capable of getting straight A's but it was too much work. After I somehow managed to graduate from high school I took any entry level job I could get, even if that job had no future. I worked as a hotel maid and have many jobs in the food service industry. I knew that I could do better but I just didn't want to put the work in. I made enough money to pay for rent, power, water and food so I thought I was set. While I didn't want to put the work in to get a better job I did work my tail off at whatever job I was working. I got my share of promotions throughout my working career but I didn't stay at one job too long.
When I got pregnant I was working a seasonal job. When I got laid off it seemed silly to get a job when I would just be taking time off for the baby anyway. Luckily my husband worked a job that paid well so we were able to scrape by. After having my baby however I wanted more for her. While I will always make sure she has what she needs I also what her to be able to have some things she wants. Can't really do that when you only make enough to cover the bare essentials. I want to be able to send her to dance lessons or soccer or what ever her little heart desires. That isn't to say I want to buy my child everything under the sun. She won't be getting everything she asks for just because the kids at her school have everything. However I would like her to be able to have new school clothes and supplies when she needs them. If she decides she wants to get into a sport of some kind I want her to be able to try out and have all the equipment she needs. I want her to be able to have sleep over with lots of movies and games. Or if there is a birthday party for a school friend at a venue she has to pay to get in, I don't want to have to go through all the change in the house just to cover the charge. Essentially I want her to have everything she needs with some things that she wants.
In light of wanting to better my life for my family I have started attending community college to earn a degree. I am also working at a job that is in the making of becoming a career. My mother in law is a legal assistant and is training me to be one as well. The attorneys I work for have also been encouraging me to go to law school. I never in a million years thought that I would be considering law school but I am. If I do go I want to be a child advocate.
After finishing my first week at community college I can't help but wonder what my life had been like if my mother finished her education. She never finished high school and I only remember her holding down one job. I wonder what my life would have been like if meth had never entered it. Would my mother had finished her education? Would she have held down a job to take care of her kids? While meth destroyed my life I will make sure it won't destroy my daughter's. I can't make my mother get and stay drug free but I sure can make I do.
Taya
P.S. Please head on over to Facebook to check out the Addict's Child page. I tend to keep it updated on my blog posts.
When I got pregnant I was working a seasonal job. When I got laid off it seemed silly to get a job when I would just be taking time off for the baby anyway. Luckily my husband worked a job that paid well so we were able to scrape by. After having my baby however I wanted more for her. While I will always make sure she has what she needs I also what her to be able to have some things she wants. Can't really do that when you only make enough to cover the bare essentials. I want to be able to send her to dance lessons or soccer or what ever her little heart desires. That isn't to say I want to buy my child everything under the sun. She won't be getting everything she asks for just because the kids at her school have everything. However I would like her to be able to have new school clothes and supplies when she needs them. If she decides she wants to get into a sport of some kind I want her to be able to try out and have all the equipment she needs. I want her to be able to have sleep over with lots of movies and games. Or if there is a birthday party for a school friend at a venue she has to pay to get in, I don't want to have to go through all the change in the house just to cover the charge. Essentially I want her to have everything she needs with some things that she wants.
In light of wanting to better my life for my family I have started attending community college to earn a degree. I am also working at a job that is in the making of becoming a career. My mother in law is a legal assistant and is training me to be one as well. The attorneys I work for have also been encouraging me to go to law school. I never in a million years thought that I would be considering law school but I am. If I do go I want to be a child advocate.
After finishing my first week at community college I can't help but wonder what my life had been like if my mother finished her education. She never finished high school and I only remember her holding down one job. I wonder what my life would have been like if meth had never entered it. Would my mother had finished her education? Would she have held down a job to take care of her kids? While meth destroyed my life I will make sure it won't destroy my daughter's. I can't make my mother get and stay drug free but I sure can make I do.
Taya
P.S. Please head on over to Facebook to check out the Addict's Child page. I tend to keep it updated on my blog posts.
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