Elmo

A few days ago my daughter and I were watching Sesame Street. I have always loved the show no matter my age. My daughter seemed to be enjoying it as well, especially Elmo. As we were watching the show I couldn't help but think of my mother and her love for Elmo. It was then I remembered that I had a first generation Tickle Me Elmo buried in my closet. It looked like the perfect time to dig him out and give him to my daughter. I should have known how that little fuzzy monster effected my emotions...

When I was able 11 years old Tickle Me Elmo hit the market. I remember watching the news and hearing how this toy had sold out and that there were waiting lists. I never once longed for one of these toys. I knew that with my mother's addiction and our living situation money would not be spent on the latest "It" toy. My brother was five at the time and I think he may have wanted one. He had seen it on tv and was in the age group these toys were aimed at. I don't remember hearing him ask for one but he might have. My mother on the other hand, was very vocal in her desire for this toy. I wish I could say that she wanted a Tickle Me Elmo for my brother but that was not the case. She wanted this toy for herself. I never understood why though. Would it help her reconnect with her childhood? Did she really want the toy for my brother but was making it seem like she wanted it for herself to throw us off? Whatever the case may have been she coveted that toy. She wouldn't spend her own money on it because well she didn't have any. All the money we got from welfare went to rent and her habits.

I don't remember exactly how it happened but my mother got the toy she wanted. I think it might have been a christmas gift from my future adopted parents but I can't be sure. Maybe I should ask them. Anyway my mother got her toy and loved it. She slept with it and showed it off to everyone. She let my brother play with it and the two would laugh as Elmo giggled and shook. Shortly after she got Elmo my mother also got a Sleep and Snore Ernie. She wasn't as excited about this new toy as Elmo but she still loved it.

I can't say for certain but I think it was only just a few months after recieving these gifts that my brother and I were removed from her care. We didn't have many pictures of my mother so she sent us away with some her favorite items to remember her by: her Raiders jacket, Tickle Me Elmo and Sleep and Snore Ernie. She may have sent other things but those are the ones that stick out in my head. My brother got Elmo while I took the jacket and Ernie. The jacket was huge even on my mom so when I wore it I swam in it. I wore that jacket everywhere: school, church, the store and to bed. I took Elmo with me to camp one year and I think my brother did the same. These 3 items were like the holy trinity for my brother and I. We needed them because they were a physical connection to our mother. Even after all the horror she had put us through we still longed for her. We still wanted her to be with us and to love us. I know deep down my mother loves her children. Sadly, her addiction has overshadowed that love.

As time past and we got used to not being with her we slowly let these items take a backseat in our lives. We didn't throw them away but we didn't worship them like we did in the early days of our new lives. I think I may have even given the jacket back to my mother on one of the few trips we made to see her. We still longed for her to come home but we no longer waited. We moved on in our lives. Well as much as we could. We still kept Ernie and Elmo. We eventually had more pictures of our mother and that help. As time went on my brother and I started to realize that our lives were meant to continue even if our mother wasn't here. At some point my brother stopped sleeping with Elmo in favor of other toys he had picked out. As we both got older Elmo and Ernie found themselves stored in the garage.

A few years ago my adopted mom R gave me a bag of my things that had been in the garage since I moved out. In this bag I found cds, a discman, some other forgotten treasures and Elmo. My adopted parents had kept him for us. I was so happy to have Elmo back. I had totally forgotten he was in the garage. I pulled him out of the bag and gave him a squeeze. He still talked but didn't vibrate like he used to. Seemed as if the batteries were dead. I took him home and placed him in a bag with other stuffed animals from my youth I can't seem to let go. Once in the bag he went in the closet. I remember talking to my brother about Elmo. He was excited that the toy had been found but didn't want it for himself. In the closet Elmo stayed until just a few days ago when I took him out and gave him new batteries. He is now back to him giggly, shaking self.

My daughter at first didn't know what to do with this giggling, vibrating monster. She hid from him for a while. Once I gave the toy a kiss and hug I set it on the floor and walked away. Eventually my daughter got curious and picked Elmo up. She felt his softness and looked into his now slightly yellow eyes and pulled him into a hug. While watching her I couldn't help but think my mother should be here. She should be the one giving her granddaughter a Tickle Me Elmo. But the more I watched my daughter I realized that if my mother and daughter were to meet this is what would happen. My daughter is cautious of everyone who is not her parents or her grandparents(my husband's mother and her boyfriend or my adopted parents). If my daughter were to meet my mother she would treat my mother just like she did Elmo. I like to think of Elmo has that part of my mother that is good and healthy. She gave my brother and I Elmo, the thing she wanted most in this world. I know that under her addiction she is the good person I caught glimpses of as a child. I hope someday my daughter will get to see it too.

Taya

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